White Candy Only

“Get me four bottles of the priciest champagne, eight packs of Chiclets, but only the pink pieces and nine and a half boxes of peanut butter chocolate filled Twinkies.”

“I’m pretty sure Chiclets have been discontinued. And peanut butter chocolate filled Twinkies? Those don’t exist…”

“Excuse me. Didn’t your resume say you were a magician? You will conjure up some pink Chiclets. And as for the Twinkies, call up the Hostess plant and ask them to make me some peanut butter chocolate filled Twinkies! They better be here in an hour!!”

How about for now I give you a helmet and a mouth guard… so you’re at least slightly protected when I punch you in the face!

It’s been documented all over the Internet and in rag mags how a few of Hollywood‘s “royalty” tend to go a little over the top when it comes to their demands.

Cardboard cut-outs of themselves, a mini petting zoo, a personal physician to inject vitamin B12 into his or her body, drinks to be stirred ONLY counter-clockwise, a brand new toilet seat…

Wait, these things are demanding?

Celebrities are known for their food requests too… but are their selections really worth halting all production at a food plant so as to feed their blimp-sized egos?

Nicki Minaj

12 cans of Red Bull, 3 buckets of chicken wings and Bumble Bee tuna. (No cotton candy?)

Red Bull is a mix of sugar and caffeine, or in other words, the elixir of liver failure. Chicken winging it isn’t terrible, that is unless of course those chicken arms are thrown in a deep-frying hot tub. The only healthy part of her pregnancy like cravings (poor baby) is the tuna, but CLEARLY she doesn’t eat the cat food sans mayonnaise… have you seen her, derriere?!

Marilyn Manson

GIMME MY: Haribo Gummy Bears, absinthe, popcorn and Doritos.

Such colorfully unhealthy foods for such a dark dude. Processed sugars and carbohydrates make up the fuel for this goth’s fire. To add insult in injury, adding absinthe only ignites this unhealthy flame further.

Jordin Sparks

Clif bars, baby carrots, instant oatmeal and a jar of kosher dill pickle spears. (Stick that pickle back in your mouth)

Thumbs up for the baby carrots and dill pickles spears (hey, I love a random spear here or there too) but you may just want to throw the Clif bars off a cliff. They’re full of sugar and other ingredients only scientists know how to pronounce. Oh if that oatmeal is full of sugar, you might as well just stuff your trap with a few glazed donuts. Maybe Krispy Kreme needs a celebrity spokesperson! 

Lady Gaga

Four cans of Coke Zero and a kettle of organic ginger and lemongrass tea. (Give that sandwich to Drake)

Your “bad romance” with Coke Zero really isn’t all that terrible considering it’s calorie free. But miss GUH-GAH, you’re better off switching to plain carbonated water so you can ditch the fake sugar. However, the ginger and lemongrass tea you’re oh so graciously sipping needs no replacements.

Justin Bieber

Swedish Fish, what a disturbing nickname.

Never say never? Eff that! Say NEVER to Swedish Fish. These globs of sweetness in the shape of cute little fishes are worse for you than rocks are for a blender.

Taylor Swift

Grande iced caramel latte with (NOT one or three) two Sweet’N Lows, a grande iced Americano with two Sweet’N Lows and soy milk, and a slice of pumpkin loaf along with chocolate milk and Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.

The thought of coffee mixed with macaroni and cheese sounds as good as being awake for a colonoscopy. Tay, eating fat infested mac and cheese along with pumpkin loaf won’t sooth your heartbreak… or these days, lonely heart, just like singing won’t either. Coffee on the other hand may lure in a mate because lets face it, who doesn’t love the healthy beverage. The problem is that the ingredients you add turn the beverage into the equivalent of a werewolf on the prowl. (i.e. YOU WANT TO STEER CLEAR!)

Drake

Gotta get me some, bread and cold cuts (no pork or red meat), hot water for tea and lots of alcohol such as, Patron, vodka and Heineken beer.

Would a meat sandwich flavored vodka suffice for this dressing room request? No, that wouldn’t be any healthier, but the list of demands would be a lot shorter. In all seriousness though, cold cuts are iffy, especially if you get the already packaged ones at the grocery store. If you want deli meat, go to the meat counter and have them slice it for you. And if you switch your bread to whole grain, you’ll “thank me later”.

What would you demand in your dressing room?

 

AJEDDEBYWPWV

Comments

  1. Fresh water for my puppy and iced tea with fresh lemons!

    I love this! I’m a celeb junkie and it’s so cute to know their cravings :)

  2. Bahaha this is great! I love your blog! I did get your comment twice btw, but that’s OK! The more the merrier!

    • Ha Ha! Thanks Brit! OMG I am sorry about the double post, it wasn’t working but then I contacted the SPAM people and they helped me figure out the issue! :) Stay tuned for Tuesday… I am launching my web series! Diet Food Pornography baby! LOL!

  3. Fun! :)

    I would “demand” coffee, green tea, tomatoes, string cheese, almonds, walnuts, & Greek yogurt. That’s pretty much what I “demand” at all times at home! The only problem is that I have to get it myself… ;)

  4. Great blog this is awesome! GREAT FUN!

  5. Hahaha this is so great! I cracked up!

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