For Part One… CLICK HERE
Can I just tell you that the fun I had getting barium enemas… Was match-less?!
No wonder I am no longer amused when I go to an amusement park. The best part about this procedure? The “prize” at the end of course… That I would need to have a colectomy**! Ha! Screw that GIGANTIC stuffed kangaroo at the carnival, I want to have my large intestine removed instead (oh and as a bonus, take out that APPENDIX too)!
Because APPARENTLY… It twisted into a KNOT!
The next thing I knew… I had staples in my stomach.
The surgery took five hours, but when you get knocked out, it feels as if you simply just blinked your eyes.
Modern medicine is crazy like that!
Modern medicine also kind of sucks because that night was quite possibly the second worst night of my life (the worst, being when Freddy Kruger tried to kill me of course) because the morphine being dripped into my vein was so strong… I fainted multiple times and vomited more than a college freshman after a Frat party.
Not a good look.
Crazily enough… My doctor thought I looked great, well at least my stomach did. I even recall him asking if he could take a picture of my sutures because they looked textbook.
So to all you med students out there, on page 543 of your textbook, that’s a picture of MY stomach!
You all might be wondering, “where were your parents?”
Well that’s a funny story (within a story?).
This emergency surgery happened on April 15th in Colorado (Woop Woop, TAX DAY!). Colorado is a very bi-polar state, or in other words, there just so happened to be an EPIC snowstorm, which delayed my parents from coming to my bedside.
In fact, I was in the hospital, all alone, yes, WITHOUT A COMPUTER OR MY PHONE, for three days! Sabrina The Teenaged Witch and ice chips were the only two things that kept me alive… Oh and a magical golden retriever too… Don’t ask.
I wound up being in the hospital for a total of five days, which is completely unheard of, because typically when people have colectomies they wind up recovering in the hospital for up to three weeks (or until they… have a natural evacuation, lol)…
I personally thank my being so very healthy for the reason I was able to leave the hospital early… Or maybe it was all the sugar-free gum that caused what was left of my intestines to… Well, you know.
Would you like to know the last thing my surgeon/doctor told me before I was escorted out of the hospital (talk about VIP treatment)?
“You will never experience digestive issues again…”
W!@GOFJSKDFUCKIEW$@@HIYOURSELFFN%$EOUSFBD736875434*&%$NHEOS!!!!!!! (Find the hidden phrase if you can…)
If I knew where my surgeon was right now, I’d hunt him down and slap him silly with my large intestine he took out because he couldn’t have been farther from the truth. In fact, my digestion got worse…
Worse than what Republicans think Obama is doing in office…
The battles that occur in my stomach and small intestine after I eat certain, if not all, grain/gluten/nutty and fibrous foods parallel that of the Battle of Stalingrad… The deadliest recorded mêlée during World War II.
TO BE CONTINUED…
So Tell Me…
- Have you ever had a barium enema?
- Tell me about a surgery you underwent in the past…
- Did you find the hidden phrase in my “freak out”?
- In the last two weeks, what was the longest you went without your phone/computer or really any technology?
- Favorite 90s TV show… GO!
- Do you know SHIT ABOUT PANDAS?!
Now you do…