I will be 90000% offended if you didn’t notice that I haven’t been around for a few weeks.
Okay, no, I actually won’t because life is far too short to hold grudges.
Well regardless as to whether or not you knew I was MIA, I am officially back from my epic journey DOWN UNDER (say that with an Aussie or Kiwi accent!) and I thought I would share my adventures through PHOTOS! (I will have a new video next week)
A picture is worth a thousand words, right? Well then how about 80,000 + …
Flying from Los Angeles, California, USA to Auckland, New Zealand
Am I there yet…
Oh… So that’s a no?
In that case, let me get comfy… Or just dress up like a Russian in a ushanka and take dark selfies, in 60 D… Last row of the plane… Next to the toilets.
Wonderful WHITE NOISE, let me tell you!
I NEVER thought I would see THAT on the monitor… After 13 hours of dozing in and out of consciousness, I was finally ALMOST in NEW [F***ING] ZEALAND! I did however, have a dream that our plane crashed and woke up as I slide down the “water park slide” into the Pacific Ocean filled with sharks.
Auckland, New Zealand, North Island
Sure I was going to New Zealand to find me a Kiwi bloke see the sights and what not… But this girl was truly WHY I WENT! Laurel has been my bestie since we both almost got kicked out of high school on numerous occasions… She downright had it with the states eight years ago and moved to New Zealand!
And it looks like she and I are getting married… Like my wedding dress?
The photoshop app I use on my phone made Laurel’s view from her apartment look like a drawing… An EFFIN’ SWEET ASS DRAWING if you ask me! And to be completely HONEST with you, that’s the last view I saw before I passed out on her couch until the next day…
The “first” day I was in Auckland… New Years Eve… The city looked like a beautiful bitch… Just like Angelina Jolie’s resting bitch face.
However, later that evening, Auckland transformed into Jennifer Lawrence… Vivacious and friggin’ whiz-banging!
The following day, Laurel and I went to Mission Bay, where I discovered what I am going to name my first born, wait no, I probably won’t have kids… My pet…….. Rock.
Rangitoto. That’s the name of this volcano. If it were to blow, New Zealand would be seriously up shit creek! Or might like it????
Piha, New Zealand, North Island
This looks like a scene straight out of The Odyssey! Thankfully Scylla didn’t come out and eat me… However she has a tendency to get quite hungry, for Piha is one of the deadliest beaches in New Zealand!
If she did devour me though…
She would be eating LOBSTER.
Hobbiton, New Zealand, North Island
I have been told that I look like Legolas… So we decided to hit up Hobbiton, where The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit movies were filmed, to see if die-hard fans would ask for my autograph…
Nope.
Muriwai Beach, New Zealand, North Island
Fun fact about me: I used to competitively horseback ride and take it pretty seriously.
Now… I just fuck around and take pictures. These two horse head photos remind me of those leg/beach “selfies” chicks take when they THINK they’re having good leg days… Or trying to make people jealous.
I don’t think my intent was to make anyone jealous of the fact that I was on a horse on the beach and in the mountains of New Zealand… Hmmmmmm… Actually. (Winky Face)
How many of you are jealous of our fashionable vests?
Flying from Auckland to Queenstown, New Zealand, South Island
A travel blog post is NOT complete without the CLICHE over the wing cloud/mountain view shot… THIS cliche is pretty stunning, I have to say, though.
The second we landed in Queenstown, we went straight for the trees… It was either that or face-plant into our hotel beds… We had to get up at 4:30 am for our flight (after next to no sleep… Tee he he he).
I was feeling rather loopy… Oh wait, that’s nothing out of the ordinary! Have you ever seen a ziplining lime prior to this? #Unicorn
While I look like I am having a fabulous time, in my head I am actually thinking, “I REALLY hope no one noticed that I just shat my pants from being so terrified!!!”
And then… We crossed duck hunting in New Zealand off our bucket lists.
Arrowtown, New Zealand, South Island
Check out Ms. Photo Bomber back there! Clearly she wants on Laurel and my Bestie-Ship! Too bad bitch, it takes two to tango!
Laurel decided to get up close and personal with that sexy tree… But FRET NOT… Laurel ain’t no Dendrophiliac!
Arthur’s Point, New Zealand, South Island
We got stuck in the elevator of our hotel.
No, I was just being an ass monkey, as per usual.
Hello hot pools of Queenstown!
Go here… At night… With a hot, hot, hot man (or woman)…
Yup. I tried to NOT think about the porn movies that were filmed in the pool Laurel and I were soaking in.
And because I know you’re wondering… Yes, yes, I am naked. I FORGOT MY bikini and I wasn’t going to PASS UP chillin’ in the hot pools… Wait, no… Steaming? I wanted to risk getting an STD!
Bye, bye Queenstown. As you can see, I tried not to be cliche with my airplane photo this time around… No wing in sight!
Mmm, a chicken wing sounds good right now!
Zoo in Auckland, New Zealand, North Island
If you ever want to see me act like a three year old… Just go to my YouTube channel, no no… Take me to the ZOO!
Flamingos are assholes.
Flying from Auckland to Sydney, Australia
I went straight for the Auckland Airport after the zoo… I probably smelled like a Hippo’s ass…
Doesn’t look like my seatmate was all that phased by my stench though!
And I arrived in Sydney, three hours later!
Have you ever seen the show MOM starring Anna Faris (my spirit animal) and Allison Janney? Do yourself a favor and grab an adult diaper and WATCH EVERY EPISODE… I pissed myself a dozen times! THANK YOU free TV shows on Air New Zealand!
Darling Harbor, Sydney, Australia
This dinner cost me $90… You’ll see why when I post the FOOD RECAP.
It. Was. Epic…. In fact, Epic Meal Time should have filmed me.
I don’t think Aussies are all that used to food bloggers (The Big Man’s World must be the country’s Griffin) because everyone was staring at me as I took pictures of my food!
Guess what time it is?!
Dawes Point, The Sydney Opera House, Sydney, Australia
I risked my life to get this photo just so I could post it here… I mean, there are sharks in that water and I one clumsy girl!
Is there a “BEST SELFIE EVER” contest because, well, um, this one needs to be SUBMITTED! Duh!
Yes, I skipped down this walkway like a 4-year-old on a playground during recess.
Bondi Beach, Australia
And this stunning specimen took me to the fish graveyard for lunch… AKA: The Sydney Fish Market.
Dead fish = My heaven on earth. Arman knows me oh so very well!
After our fishtastical feast, Arman had to go back to work [womp womp!]… I asked him if he would like for me to call in a bomb threat so he could hang out with me for the rest of the day…
Alas, I did not have phone service so that idea was out of the cards. Instead, he dropped me at Bondi Beach.
So many half naked people… I just didn’t know what to do with myself.
I wanted to throw the loud and obnoxious ones into this angry tide.
Instead I hung out with Thor and the rest of the gang… Sadly, no… Not that THOR.
But then the weather decided to join me…
Chinatown, Sydney, Australia
So I took an UBER to China… Australian Uber = hovercrafts and it only cost me $25 AUD.
You don’t want to know what I did for the rest of the day!
Hyde Park, Sydney, Australia
The next morning I took a stroll through Hyde park before I hit up the airport for my flight back to Auckland.
Does walking by Saint Mary’s Cathedral count as “going to church”?
I also did a few laps…
Flying from Sydney, Australia to Auckland, New Zealand
This is about how happy I look when I think about my vacation being over…
Oh but for a hot second… Actually a few hours… I was stuck in Australia and then heavily questioned at the Auckland airport when I returned… I mean, I just look SO suspicious, right?
WHY THIS HAPPENED:
- My name on my plane ticket did not match my passport name. Dammit two names!
- I only went to Australia for one day.
- I only brought a backpack. [Yes, I am a girl!]
- I flew back to Auckland from Sydney, only to leave for Los Angeles roughly 18 hours later.
- The drug sniffing dog was smelling my crotch like crazy.
- I bought my visa for Australia (yeah, you need one of those) one hour before my flight.
- I am a blogger and apparently a cannibal (I told security I eat celebrities!)
- I was laughing so hard and not taking this situation seriously AT ALL.
Bah ha ha ha ha!
Bye, bye New Zealand!
Seat 54 H! Woo Woo! I am moving up in the world!
Here we go again… Let the drugs (Advil PM) kick in.
Alas, that CRAP did not work. I experienced 13 hours of extreme turbulence (they couldn’t even serve meals – not that I was planning on eating anything). I SERIOUSLY THOUGHT my dream I had when flying to New Zealand was going to come true! I mean, there is meaning behind all dreams, RIGHT?!
Anna Faris could only do so much to calm me down.
So there you have it… I am back in Los Angeles after two weeks of… [Fill in adjectives here].
I HIGHLY RECOMMEND ALL OF YOU take time and travel abroad BY YOURSELF! It was quite possibly the best thing I could have ever done and the travel bug has officially bitten me. Don’t worry, it’s not deadly… And I wasn’t quarantined when I returned to the states!
I have to thank Laurel so very much for being the BEST TOUR GUIDE ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET (Sorry Sedar…) and one of the most amazing best friends a girl could ever ask for! I also have to thank technology for allowing us to keep in touch!
And of course, I would like to thank the Academy…
SO TELL ME…
- Tell me about your most epic adventure ever?
- Tell me three items on your bucket list.
- If you went with me, what would you have wanted to do?
- Have you ever traveled out of the country by yourself (or am I the only little pansy… lol)?
- Do you think I look like Legolas?
- Would you consider getting married or re-newing your vows at Hobbiton?
- Did you know I am a YELP ELITE… And I reviewed the SHIT out of every place I stayed and ate at on my trip! CHECK THEM ALL OUT HERE!
Linda of THEFITTY.com tagged me in her LIFE IN PICTURES link up... And I did JUST THAT, so I am linking right back!
PS: Friday I will have a FOOD RECAP… Cause I mean, THIS GIRL ATE A LOT!