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Fall In Love With These Sugar & Dairy-Free Recipes

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healthy paleo keto recipes

“Summer love”.

instagram summer love

Yeah. Fuck that shit. I HATE SUMMER as you may have gathered from my last two blog updates!

GiGi Eats Celebrities Duck Face

It’s hot. It’s uncomfortable. It’s humid. It’s lazy and the AC bill sky-rockets, dipping into the salmon skin dinner funds.

salmon skin handrolls gigi eats

I sure as hell don’t cuddle with my husband either during this season either (unless the thermostat is set at a crisp 62 degrees)… Cause that’s just sticky… And I am one cantankerous sweaty mess.

GiGi-Angry

Yeah. Summer… You kind of… Sort of… Totally sucks. And… Mess with my sex life?

Mr Mrs Ashworth taste test gigi eats celebrities

However… Instagram always succeeds at making summer look so “COOL”.

summer reflection

Ha! That’s because Instagram has peripheral neuropathy. Wait, what am I talking about?

Instagram is not a person, so it can’t feel sensations (like always feeling cool). It’s just a place where people can brag about how “wonderful” their lives are share photos of their experiences… Which includes showing all the fancy-shamancy summer pool parties and beach excursions…

instagram douche pool party

However, what’s not showcased in those types of photos is:

Heat rashChlorine in your eyesChafing… Accidentally drinking/choking on waterShark “make-out” sessionsJellyfish dancingSwamp assBalls smacking people in the faceKetchup attacksCar seats that sear your tail… And… Sand in STRANGE places.

And this is only a tiny list of the multitude of scenarios one might fall into during the summer.

When-you-see-sharks-like-this-Jaws-type-wouldnt-you-get-out-of-the-water

You can’t tell me you’ve never experienced one of those “episodes”… Can you?

WHY the fuck are words called what they are

So… Have I officially convinced you that summer could be compared to THAT co-worker… You just sort of, totally want to smack for throwing you under the bus all the time… But instead put ex-lax (you’re welcome for that link, btw) in their powdered coffee creamer in the break room?!

plotting revenge

WOO WOO! I feel like Tom Cruise because… Mission ACCOMPLISHED!

Tom-Cruise-Floor-Cleaning-in-Mission-Impossible--18413

THANKFULLY we no longer have to deal with summer’s bitch ass… Because she’s currently packing her bags… And moving out (well, unless you live in the Southern Hemisphere, then… GOOD LUCK with her…) and fall is moving on in!

hedgehog fall

BUST OUT the oversized sweatshirts, CRANK UP the heat, GULP DOWN some piping hot Celestial Seasonings Sugar Cookie Sleigh Ride tea, DUST OUT and then BUILD a cozy fire in the fireplace, DECORATE your house with holiday knick-nacks, CLIMB a tree and PICK some apples

Oh and of course… DEVOUR some FALL RECIPES like the compilation I raked up from the depths of my blog. It’s time to JUMP INTO THEM LIKE A BIG PILE OF LEAVES!

CAT GIF • Funny Cat playing in leaf pile jumping and then swimming

 

COFFEE CAKE (sf, df, gf, nf, v, ff)

  • Celebrate the fall season by eating cake for breakfast!

Caffeinating Coffee Cake, Dolce Gusto Style

MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP ICE CREAM (pa, sf, df, gf, nf, v, ff)

  • If you’re still “in love” with summer… Despite my convincing argument… This recipe will help you relish that time of year, even when it’s not.

Teenage Mutant Mint Chip Ice Cream

AVOCADO BROWNIES (pa, sf, df, gf, nf, v)

  • Make these for yourself… And make them for your (or your kid’s) teacher, co-worker, loved one, favorite check-out person at the store as they will most likely get YOU some “BROWNIE POINTS”.

Avocados Get Brownie Points

AIR-FRIED LAYER CAKE (sf, df, gf, nf, ff)

  • People like to get cozy in December/January… And when I say cozy, I mean… Have THE SEX… Because it’s been documented that September is one of the most popular months to have a baby. This layered cake has you covered for those celebrations. If you want to make it even more festive… Add some cinnamon or pumpkin spice to the batter!

Have A Slice Of Air-Fried Birthday Cake… With Story Time!

HALIBUT CURRY (pa, sf, df, gf, nf, ef)

  • As we all know… With autumn, comes cooler temperatures… So curry UP and make this recipe and it will warm you right up!

Curry UP! Make This Recipe!

MEZZE CAKE (pa, sf, df, gf, nf, ef)

  • “Shit, it’s already 1pm? Did I eat today? Huh, what meal should I be eating right now?” During this time of year things get a bit more hectic… But hey, this “beautiful mess” of a recipe doesn’t give a rat’s ass what time it is… It wants you to eat it AT ANY HOUR YOU WISH.

THIS RECIPE WILL SHUT UP ALL POLITICAL RANTS

BUFFALO CHICKEN WINGS & LEGS (pa, sf, df, gf, nf)

  • Who actually wants to see more people than they have to? Exactly… So instead of hitting up your local Buffalo Wild Wings or Wing Stop to get in on some of that crispy skin… Make chicken wings/legs yourself. Plus, this recipe is about 80 billion (yes, 80 billion) times healthier.

It’s Time For A Do Over

UNICORN PUMPKIN PIE (sf, df, gf, nf, v)

  • Eat this often if you want your MOUTH to have an active and kinky sex life. Because I kid you not… It’s THAT good… If not, better!

The Unicorn of Pumpkin Pies

SWEET & SAVORY SWEET POTATO PANCAKES (pa, sf, df, gf, nf)

  • The best part of waking up… Is pancakes on your plate. Yeah, that was a horrifically bad “slogan” for these delicious stackers… But that’s because I didn’t eat these brain-boosting flap-jacks before writing this post!

You’ll Flip Over These Sweet Pancake Recipes!

BISON MEAT WAFFLES (pa, sf, df, gf, nf)

  • You’ve heard the saying “waffles are just pancakes with abs”… Well, THIS waffle recipe will help you achieve abs because they’re not made with processed white flour and sugar (that help in the formation of a gut)… These waffles are made with LEAN, FREE-RANGED BISON… And topped with a gooey omega-3 enriched egg yolk. Finally, the phrase “you are what you eat” makes sense!

You Won’t Be Waffling Over This!

BEEFY FRITTATA (pa, sf, df, gf, nf, ff)

  • Brunch ONLY gets better in the fall people. TRUE. STORY.

You’ll Frittata Over This Heart-y Dish!

SPAGHETTI SQUASH PUTTANESCA (pa, sf, df, gf, nf, ef)

  • I may be a walking fashion F*CK NO… But… I know when a dish is “red hot”… And this puttanesca sauce served in a spaghetti squash boast is TRES CHIC. If it had legs, it would walk down a fashion show runway. I kid you not!

(Not A) Fashion Faux Pas-ta Puttanesca

CHICKEN SHAWARMA (pa, sf, df, gf, nf, ef)

  • Everyone knows I love, adore, cherish, savor, enjoy, praise… Would basically jump in front of a bus for salmon. But what if I told you I have a lover on the side? I know you want to meet him… This recipe reveals what else gets my MOUTH going!

Crushing On A Cuisine

GROUND BEEF FRIED CAULI-RICE (pa, sf, df, gf, nf)

  • For those cool evenings where you just don’t want to leave the comfort of your home, but will punch a wall if you don’t get some Chinese food…

Chinese Take Out, Made In

SPAGHETTI SQUASHED MEAT BALLS (pa, sf, df, gf, nf)

  • You might not be able to bust balls in public… This recipe lets you SQUASH THE SHIT OUT OF THEM in the kitchen though!

Come Squash Balls With Me!

PUMPKIN COOKIE DOUGH (sf, df, gf, nf, ff, v)

  • This recipe is for those who don’t want to admit to being “basic” and loving all things pumpkin. It’s also for all those who are PROUD of their “basic” status… And devour all things PUMPKIN from August 28th until January 15th.

Fall’s Pumpkins Have Me Quite Excited

TURBUTKLE BITES (pa, sf, df, gf, nf, ef)

  • Thanksgiving all rolled into one bite… I really don’t need to say more because THANKSGIVING IS THE MOST EPIC HOLIDAY OF THE ENTIRE YEAR. HANDS DOWN. DROP THE MIC. Gobble! Gobble!

Gobble Up These Turbutkles!

(pa = paleo approved, sf = sugar free, df = dairy free, gf = gluten free, nf = nut free, ef = egg free, ff = fruit free, v = vegan)

SO TELL ME…

  • Share your favorite fall recipe with me and everyone else reading this post!
  • Do you ABHOR summer as much as I do?
  • Out of all the recipes listed, which one looks most appetizing to you?
  • What’s your favorite FALL activity and why?
  • How has your sex life been these past few SWELTERING months?
  • What was the crappiest experience you had at the pool/beach this summer?

healthy paleo keto recipes