There is an elephant in the room that I would finally like to get off my chest.

Okay. We are not actually all in a room together. So… This elephant I speak of, is really just on my chest and would like to get off of it and wander around your brain.

Literally.

Ha! Okay, maybe not LITERALLY because a 13,000-pound wild animal has not taken up residence on my chest and is not now itching to go meander around your brains.

Figuratively it is, though.

If this elephant could talk, you know exactly what it would say.

No, it wouldn’t tell you that I adore salmon more than sexy time. That’s no secret.

It would tell you that… Two years ago, I got a boob job.

But since we already established that there is no literal elephant and even if there were one, it wouldn’t be able to talk

UH… DUH.

SHOCKER…

I am sure you all figured this out rather quickly… I mean, it’s pretty HARD to keep that kind of secret when you post YouTube videos every week.

From droopy egg yolks to ripe melons. And NO, I am not talking about the array of things I have been cooking in my kitchen over the course of the past two years, on my YouTube channel.

This post and “outing” might seem rather random… But, have you visited my website before? I have been told that I am insanely random, probably more than I have been told “hello”.

However, for me… It’s not random at all, for this month marks my twins TWO YEAR birthday… And instead of us three just celebrating (me, Mary-Kate and Ashley?), I thought I would extend the invitation to all of you!

I am sure my mother will not be pleased with this post (although she probably won’t even know about it because she doesn’t read my blog or watch my YouTube, which I am A-OK with), much like she is not all that pleased with my “ladies”… But the animosity that resides might also stem from the fact that… I never told her I was going to or got a boob job.

Nope.

She found out on Facebook.

And then text messaged me.

You know how you can easily take everything out of context VIA social media and text… Well, trust me when I say, her texts to me… Yeah, I wasn’t taking them out of context.

No, she wasn’t mad.

She was disappointed.

Which… Is 20 billion times worse.

But… What’s done is done and I do not stew over the past.

Instead… I learn from what I have done and use it as a guide for the future…

And perhaps all of you ladies who are thinking about altering the size of your breasts should use THIS POST as YOUR GUIDE.

So what I have decided to do is… Interview myself and answer ALL the questions I HAD prior to going under the knife!

If you don’t give even 200 CC’s about what I have to say on this topic… Skip down to the video, cause you’re going to want to see that… Hint: Me… Drugged Up.

HERE GOES… BOOBS AWAY!! 

Get ready for some big and long paragraphs… Yes, this is out of the norm of my typical one/two liners… But hey, I’ve got a lot to say about this… And I like em BIG! 

• Why did you decide to do this?

Sure… People could generalize and say, “oh she got them because she lives in Hollywood, and that’s what all women do in Hollywood” (my mom even said this is why she thought I got them)… But that generalization would be false in my case, to a degree at least. Sure, a small part of why I purchased my breasts was because I had been going on countless TV host auditions that I wound up not booking due to not being “lady-like”(i.e. well-endowed), which is rather pathetic. But, sadly, we live in a very superficial world, now don’t we (and even more so in the entertainment business). In all honesty, though, I went through with this surgery for no one else but me… And perhaps maybe a teeny-tiny bit for the man in my life. Prior to surgery, I thought getting breasts would accentuate the body I already love even more… And perhaps improve on my sexiness? Well, they certainly did the former but as for the ladder, yeah… Sexiness is a personality trait… And I just wasn’t born with it… Boobs cannot make someone sexy, no matter how hard you smoosh them together.

• How did you find your surgeon?

No, I did not travel down to Tijuana to get cheap saline implants and risk infection. Instead, my friend in Los Angeles recommended me to my surgeon, Dr. Corbin, for he has been family friends with him for his whole life, and his younger brother works with him. Dr. Corbin has even been flown to other countries to enhance the lives of ladies… So I mean, if people in France want him, he’s got to be good, right? Oui! Oui! Of course, I had several meetings with him and other surgeons before I made my final decision, but I have to say, the decision was pretty easy because I really felt as though I could trust Dr. Corbin with… Well… My life!

• How much does breast augmentation cost?

The cost for such a surgery varies depending on where you live… Of course, surgeons in Beverly Hills feel as though they can charge the amount of a used car (because plastic surgery is in high demand… As I am sure you have seen, ha!), where in other cities in the states, they could cost as low as $2500 (have you seen these types of deals on Groupon? I’m not going to lie, those promotions scare the crap out of me! PLEASE do your research if you’re thinking about going through a discount site like that). That being said, location is not the only factor as to how much breasts might cost… You also have to factor in the TYPE of breast implant you want (saline, silicone, gel) and then, of course, anesthesiologists have their own pricing system… So you’re looking at spending anywhere from $2500 to $12000 for this type of surgery.

• What kind of implants did you get and how/where were they…”inserted”?

I decided to go with the “gummy bear” implants (NOT from the candy store people! Don’t worry) or if you want the “professional” name… MemoryGel smooth, round implants with a moderate profile. The reason why they’ve been dubbed “gummy bear” is because… Well, take a (sugar-free) gummy bear… Rip it apart… Then try smooshing it back together. It will most likely stay stuck. Well, the same can be said about these implants. If they were to ever rip, they wouldn’t move from where they are because the gel is very cohesive and sticks to itself… And in fact, my doctor told me that the only way you could even really tell if one is ripped is through an MRI. That being said, the likelihood of a gummy bear implant ripping is slim to none. Even an elephant stomping on your chest… Might not even break the implant!

The placement of implants is another aspect of breast augmentation that you have to decide on… I got mine under the muscle because I was told there is less of a chance of rippling… And it makes the breast look far more natural. That being said… And it sucks to have to say this… I can at times (depending on how I move) see some rippling. It’s not always there, which is good, but at times, I can see it… However, no one else can.

How you get implants implanted into your chest cavity is also something to think about. You can get them inserted through your armpits, belly button, under the breast or through the nipple. I decided to go through the nipple… Because my doctor also recommended I get a breast lift on my one of ladies and going through the nipple is how he would take care of that saggy bitch. I have to say, I am thrilled with my decision (even though you can see scars around my areolas, even after two years) because… Well, I will tell you in one of the answers below!

• How did you know what size to get?

When you meet with surgeons, you will go over the water balloon (okay, okay, silicone, gel or saline implant) sizes. The nurse or surgeon will ask you to put on a special bra (it ain’t Victoria’s Secret sexy, that’s for sure) and then they will present you with lots of different implants where you will be reminded of your middle school years when you used to stuff your training bra. You will most likely “try on” about 5 or 6 different sizes until you find what you like. Don’t get scared, sad or offended when you realize that one of your breasts might be larger than the other.

What is perfection anyways? I wound up getting 300 CC’s in one breast and 350 CC’s in another breast (no more lopsided itty bitty titties!). Initially, I was going to get a tad smaller, but I kept reading breast forums all over the web stating how everyone’s ONE regret after getting implants is that they went too small and that they wished they went one size bigger because implants outside of the body look a lot bigger than when they’re “locked and loaded”. I am happy to report that I have zero regrets! And if you must know, I went from a 32 A to a 32 D.

• What was the pre-op like?

I wasn’t nervous at all prior to my surgery. Okay, maybe a tiny bit… But not about saying goodbye to my sad little eggs… But because I remember hearing that Kanye West’s mother passed away due to breast augmentation complications… And since I didn’t tell ANYONE in my family that I was having this procedure done, it would have been pretty terrible… If well, THE WORST happened. A few days prior to surgery, you are going to need to get some blood work done, fill a lot of prescriptions (that you are to take post-surgery) and… Wait “patiently” for your B-DAY… Ha! Get it? The morning of surgery, I had my wonderful friend Vianessa take me to the outpatient clinic where I would be transformed, and she stayed with me up until I went under… I remember when I was about to go under, she took one look at my implants sitting on the table and says, “OH MY GOSH! THOSE ARE HUGE!!!”… Way to make me second guess EVERYTHING right before surgery! I have no idea if she waited in the waiting room or if she bounced to get breakfast (surgery was at 7 am) but… She returned around 11:30 am, ready to take my drugged ass and brand new tig ol’ bitties home.

• What was post-op like?

Vianessa wound up staying with me, ready to help me with anything and everything for three days… However, she wound up just playing Zelda on my couch because in all honesty, the second I got home, I wanted to work out and I felt like I could resume my life. Of course, I forced myself to take it easy, as I was still pretty high on morphine and anesthesia, but that was difficult. She and I did go for a long walk that afternoon, which I personally believe to be healthy, especially after surgery… Blood clots BEGONE!

As for pain, I barely had any. Sure I have a high pain tolerance, but seriously… The only thing I felt was uncomfortable. Uncomfortable because you have to sleep sitting up for two to three days, and that’s NOT exactly how I sleep at night. I sleep on my stomach and hug my pillow… Yeah, that wasn’t going to happen for a long time, and even now, that position is very awkward until I find the PERFECT head to pillow, to mattress ratio.

I honestly believe the reason why I didn’t really feel any pain is because of how I got my implants inserted. Through the nipple. When I reached for things, I didn’t feel much of any pulling at sutures… I remember reading an article about implants and this woman mentioned how she couldn’t wipe her ass for a good week. But this wasn’t my problem at all. I had quite possibly the easiest and fastest recovery ever (the bloating that resulted from all of the morphine given to me during surgery was probably worse than the “breast pain”). Perhaps I can attribute this to being insanely healthy? I mean, the same thing happened to me when I got my large intestine taken out… I was running the stairs at the hospital on day two of recovery!

After surgery, you have to take prescription medications (here is the exact one i had) for at least a month’s time… So as to not get Capsular contracture, or hardening of the breasts… On top of that… You have to massage your breasts every day to make sure they conform to your muscle and again, to help you steer clear of Capsular contracture… If you have a man friend (or lady friend?) in your life… They will love this part of the post-op! Oh but I must warn you about one other thing… Those prescription pills can cause extreme bloating… Just like the morphine. At times I thought I was actually impregnated while knocked out, not enhanced!

For me, and this is different for wherever you go to augment your ladies, I was wrapped up like a mummy for three days, and wasn’t allowed to get my boobs wet for that long as well. Come day three, I needed a shower, but I was also terrified to take one. You know, kind of like the first time you wash your hair after you get highlights… You feel like you’re going to “ruin it”. That’s how I felt with my boobs, however, trust me, they will not be ruined by water, ha! When I did UNWRAP myself… Ohhhhhhhhh boy… Zombie tits. That was scary. And they were insanely high on my chest. But I was warned of this… And was told that they drop a lot… So I didn’t “freak out”.

Also, no underwire bras for 6 months… Which was no problem for me, because those bras SUCK anyways. Sports bras FOR THE WIN!

Oh and PS: I was doing cardio (not strenuously) ONE DAY POST OP (but NO weight training for 8 weeks). That being said, I am a crazy, and I know and listen to my body… So if you go through with installing a “towel rack” on your chest, please listen to your body (and of course do lots of research).

• What’s life been like over the course of the past two years? Have your “lady friends” improved your quality of life?

Instead of writing out a long ass novel about how my life has changed over the past two years with my lady-friends… I will simply bullet point them out… I am sure your eyes are TIRED after reading everything above!

• I went from looking like a 5-year-old to a 12-year-old with a large chest
• As you all know, I have a lot of stomach issues, so it has taken me a long time (and at times it’s still hard to digest) to not think that I am just “fat” when I get bloated… Because big boobs make YOU LOOK BIGGER, even if you haven’t gained any weight (FYI: I haven’t weight myself in 6 years so I have no idea how much I weigh, nor do I give a rat’s ass!).

• Prepare to donate (or sell on eBay) all of your loose and flowy shirts, which sucks for the girl who is always trying to hide her stomach. Oh and you can obviously say BUH BYE to all of your bras. Those cute Lululemon size 2/4 bras just won’t cut it anymore (unless you’re trying to achieve the “I am a stripper” look)… But they will CUT INTO your blood circulation if you try wearing them!
• However, V-neck shirts finally look GOOD on me… And dresses, oh wow, I look… Er. Um. Decent…? Well… Sort of!
• I actually buy bras now (however, it’s been very difficult finding a consistent bra size)… Even though you pretty much buy a “built-in bra” in away, with implants.
• I finally know how to SHIMMY… Life goal accomplished?
• When I travel to high altitudes, my breasts seem to have air pockets and I can hear them squishing a little bit.
• I have to admit that my nipples, and boobs in general, always sort of hurt, which kind of sucks.
• When you’re hormones are a RAGING… Your boobs will grow an extra size!
• Sleeping on your stomach will no longer be the same, but isn’t sleeping on your stomach bad for your back anyway?

• Laying on your stomach when you get a massage totally sucks… I sometimes ask for a pillow to rest my head on.
• I installed a very expensive pocket on my body, but it does a wonderful job of holding my cell phone, keys, money, mail, USB drives, cans of sardines, you know… The necessities.
• I sometimes find snacks in my cleavage.
• Sometimes I catch myself resting my hands on my ladies… I crack myself up when I realize what I am doing.
• When I lift weights… I feel a very odd sensation in my chest. Almost as if I am moving the implants out of place… But, they go right back to where they’re supposed to go, when I am done with my set.
• Auditions still happen on the regular… But I have no clue if my chest really made any difference at all… But, as I said before, I did this for me more than anything else, so I really do not care at all about this.

So yup. That’s that. Now some of you might think I looked better before. And some of you might think I made one of the best decisions of my life. But you know what? I don’t really care what you think when it comes to how I look because I am happy and confident with myself and that’s what truly matters. Ladies, this should be your thinking as well, because as I said before… You should be doing this surgery (if you’re considering it) for YOU and ONLY YOU!

And now… What you’ve all be waiting for… 

SO TELL ME…

• How long did it take you to notice SAID ELEPHANT?
• What is the first thing you think about when you think of “plastic surgery”?
• Have you ever had any plastic surgery yourself, that you care to admit?
• If you’ve had your boobs done, what is one way they’ve changed your life?
• Do you have more questions/comments/concerns? EMAIL ME! I am OBVIOUSLY an OPEN BOOK!
• Who else gets headaches when they wear one size too small of Lululemon bras (or any bra, in general)?
• Oh and DUDES reading this post, I really would like to know your thoughts on breast implants – YAY or NAY and why?

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