Once upon a time… In a land known to some as WEASNOBITZVILLE… A towheaded, (apparently now) green-eyed imp of a babe was born… Via c-section.
To this day… Her mother secretly holds this against her.
As this little… Well, not lady, because she was and certainly is not now, a lady… Girl grew older, her playfully devilish mannerisms became more prominent, thus was thrown to the nuns with the hopes of being “saved”.
Unfortunately, their wisdom did not sink into this naughty youngster’s head… Especially when she learned more and more about the opposite sex.
While some believe she left the convent because she lacked the ability to read… The true reason was that at the young age of eight, she already carried enough sin, that she was no longer allowed within the school’s walls.
Painting fellow student’s noses blue, biting her teachers, pretending to still be asleep when nap time was over, so as to miss class and screaming penis more than a few times… Such acts didn’t exactly obey the moral law of Catholicism.
Her tenacious parents would not give up on their daughter though (thanks, mom, and dad!), thus threw her in a new school, this time, a school completely opposite of her last… As it was a prominently Jewish school… And… Boys were present.
Shalom!
They truly hoped… She would learn to read.
Boy… Did she learn to read.
So much so that… The school quickly bid her sarcastic kol tuv as she abruptly entered the next phase of her life’s itinerary… Where she would wind up… Making quite the name(s) for herself.
No one will speak of said nickname(s)… Or the actions that were involved in order to obtain said name(s). But just let it be known that this reputation had her quickly packing up all her belongings at age 13 and embarking on a new venture, 2,000 miles away from WEASNOBITZVILLE.
Boarding school.
For competitive snowboarding.
So basically a mild form of military school.
Hiking the pipe memories… Joyous.
But I still got to throw a chair out of a window.
Sure, she “packed” her agnomen(s) and her asshole-ish habits in her suitcases as she moved across the country, however, what she was leaving behind were… Er. Um…
A unicorn of a photo right here of me at boarding school as I don’t have any photos of myself pre-2005… Fun fact, the girl in this photo was one of my bridesmaids!
Oh, THAT’S RIGHT, the woman who got CUT OPEN for her… Along with the man who taught her how to make clafoutis
Initially, she missed them but the homesickness lasted for oh, you know, two milliseconds (common, we’re talking about a 13-year-old who gives about one fack, and that fack is whether or not Baley, Ross, Matt and Collin like her) because guess what? She went to a boarding school where… A majority of the student body were… BOYS!
While this anecdote could continue on to tell you about this floozy’s promiscuity and anger management issues, as well as the horrific scenes she witnessed and about her insane badassery on the snowboard mountain
We will be skipping over those chapters (we can go back l later?) and head directly to the chapter called “YOUR INTESTINES ARE FACKED”… Because this is the part of her life where she ALSO had to reevaluate EVERYTHING (including her character) as THIS is when she discovered her health complications.
So long… Mint chocolate chip ice cream.
Peace out… Macaroni and cheese.
Adios… Frozen bags of mixed fruit.
Toodle-oo… Chicken nuggets.
Goodbye… Cake.
That is… UNTIL NOW!
And since we are now in the present… Let’s talk on the present tense, shall we… No more third person speak. Hopefully, you caught on to the fact that I am the asshat in this story.
I say until now because… Thanks to my mother’s nutritional education, my father’s culinary teachings (you two thought I wasn’t listening when I was younger, now didn’t you? Oh wait, I don’t know who I am talking to, they don’t read my blog – ha ha ha!), and my own research, I have been able to create suitable replacements for a majority of the foods I cannot eat.
Which includes… CAKE!
And just in time for… BIRTHDAY WEEK! And this up and coming BIRTHDAY is a doozy.
Are you starting to catch on as to why I a snippet of my current life’s story above?
Now, this cake ain’t just your average birthday cake… Just like I was never your average youngin’… No sirree bob!
Actually… I would like to dub it… THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH SUGAR, DAIRY, GLUTEN & NUT-FREE BIRTHDAY LAYER CAKE as… It’s…
Well, just watch the latest video because man, I have officially typed a novel
I’ll never get sick of… Reading though! Te he he.
Mazel Tov! (Oh, would you look at that? My fleeting Jewish education is coming on back…)
“My personal concierge”, Sarah Dandashy, who is an award-winning concierge and travel blogger, joined me in this kitchen for this video because, number one, I wanted all of you to meet her and number two, her birthday was June 9th… So I figured, joint birthday party!
- 1/2 Cup Coconut Flour
- 1/4 Cup Primal Kitchen Collagen Fuel Protein Powder, or powder of choice (vanilla
and chocolate
)
- 1/2 Cup Butter Flavored Coconut Oil
- 1/2 Cup Erythritol
- 1/2 Tsp Baking Soda
- 6 Whole Eggs
- 1-2 Tbs Coconut Milk
- 1-2 Tbs Unsweetened Cocoa Powder
(for the chocolate cake layer)
Get Frosty…
- 1/2 Cup Butter Flavored Coconut Oil
- 1/4 Cup Unsweetened Cocoa Powder
- 12 – 24 Drops Liquid Vanilla Stevia Extract (depending on how sweet you like it)
THROW ON YOUR APRON… GRAB YOUR AIR FRYER…
- And watch the latest GIGI EATS for ALL the instructions on how to construct this youthifying MASTERPIECE!
So Tell Me…
- What type of kid were you growing up?
- Do you recall the worst thing you ever did when you were younger?
- How many chapters does your LIFE “BOOK”
currently have and which one is your favorite?
- Can you guess how old I am turning on June 26th?
- Did you figure out why I call this cake THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH?
- Who read about 1/4 to 1/2 of this blog post and thought WHAT IN THE EVER LIVING F is this doxy talking about?
- Are you shocked that this cake is actually AIR-FRIED
?!
