I steer clear of all BARS.
PICK-UP LINE WIELDING, DOUCHEBAG MAGNET, BARS… Why do you think I turned to Tinder (before it turned into a Gindr for straight people) to find my husband?
THE BARS THAT YOU CAN EASILY SMACK YOUR FACE ON “ACCIDENTALLY”… My clumsy ass ALWAYS seems to find one to walk into…
MUSICAL BARS… Because this Forkity Fork (yours truly) can’t belt a tune to save her life and would like to SAVE YOU from any hearing impairment…
And…
PROTEIN BARS… Because well, that processed garbage is pretty much the equivalent to the schmuck that tried to use the line…
Hey I’m looking for treasure, can I look around your chest?”
…At that dive bar, your friends dragged you to. Great friends, you have there (consider finding new ones?).
But seriously let’s compare the two…
DOUCHECANOES* AT THE BAR:
- Wear flashy colors, probably a salmon colored shirt (or wife beater) to show off the fact that he is “comfortable” with his masculinity, and blue pants to assure any ladies who may be questioning his sexuality that he is in fact “ready to rumble”.
- Full of sugar after starting off the night with a Frozen Daiquiri (before the “honeys” show up because he doesn’t want to give them the wrong impression) then moving on to a Long Island Iced Tea… And then ordering a Vodka Redbull when the ladies in mini skirts start to show up to prove he is “straight up”.
- Knife-sharp, spiked hair… To use as an actual WEAPON if any “bros” start to approach THE SPECIFIC PREY he is narrowing in on.
- Most likely this “person” will wear sunglasses inside… But make the excuse that they’re transitional lenses to try and cover up their douchenozzle-ree.
- Sports the duck lips. Ladies may be stereotyped for pouting their lips like Donald Duck more often than not but… These asshats TAKE THE CAKE but don’t get any “cake,” if you know what I mean.
PROTEIN BARS:
- “Wears” flashy colors too to get all the attention of and lure people in within a 5-foot radius. I mean, who isn’t drawn to packaging that showcases something ooey-gooey or colorful that claims to “quiet the rumble” in their stomachs? I know FOR A FACT that if I could eat protein bars, the come hither “look” from a protein bar with RAINBOW SPRINKLES on the packaging would make me weak in the knees…
- Full of sugar (or fake sugar) because that’s the only way protein bars know how to “pick up” their prey.
- These bars generally spike your insulin levels higher than Pauly D’s hair from Jersey Shore.
- You could say these protein bars wear “transitional lenses” as well… As their packaging typically touts some false claims too.
- Now I can’t say there really is any association between duck lips and protein bars, however, to further STRETCH this comparison: people tend to make the duck lips (out of disgust) when eating these bars because they typically don’t taste like their “flashy” exterior packaging!
Ohh… And there is something else these two have in common…
They both come in *MANY VARIETIES!
Now while I could go on and on about the diverse assortment of WANKERS in human form… I am far more well-versed these days in the various types of WANKERS in protein bar form (thanks to not having to deal much with the former THAT MUCH anymore)… So join me as I continue to rant about the latter in the latest episode of HEALTHY FOOD FAKERS!
FOR HEALTHIER OPTIONS OF THE USUAL “TWATWAFFLES” FOUND ON STORE SHELVES… CHECK THE RECIPES OUT BELOW:
- NEAPOLITAN PROTEIN BARS
- “COOKIES ‘N CREAM” PROTEIN BARK
- AVOCADO BROWNIE PROTEIN BARS
- CARROT CAKE PROTEIN BARS
- PROTEIN-PACKED PUMPKIN COOKIE DOUGH BALLS
- COLLAGEN PROTEIN BARS
- MINT CHOCOLATE PROTEIN BALLS
SO TELL ME…
- Do you avoid all bars? If not, which do you still encounter regularly?
- Protein bars, are you the type to rely on them? If so, which brand is your favorite and why?
- What was your biggest take away from the latest HEALTHY FOOD FAKERS video?
- Do you agree with my protein bars and douchebag comparison?
- Most ridiculous pickup line you’ve ever heard: GO!
are protein bars healthy