Being a female (I would say lady, but we all know I ain’t that)… Can really SUCK a BIG…
Cucumber.
No… This is not about to turn into some #metoo rant.
Sure… We can…
- Squish our boobs together whenever we want something and most likely get it
- Enjoy getting our feet and hands pampered and not be mocked for it, because it’s a “girly” thing to do
- Rock a purse that holds all the essentials, like sugar-free chewing gum and chapstick, but of course
- Not necessarily having to whip out the wallet on the first date (although I always did back when I was in the dating game, cause have you seen how much I eat on Instagram?)
And…
- Rejoice in the fact that we aren’t expected to be able to know how to fix… Anything. But it’s badass when we surprise everyone and say… Fix the dishwasher.
But we also have to endure things like…
- Pushing a small “tractor-trailer” through our “tunnels”
- Having to deal with that bitch ass “aunt” every month who totally cramps our style
- Contemplating how to take on a public restroom toilet when it’s wet and… Sticky?
- Needing to come up with reasons as to why we are crying even when we really have no idea why
And…
-
Breastfeeding and pumping
Yep.
Breastfeeding and pumping are on my shit list.
And to all the women out there who have said breastfeeding is just “the best thing ever”, “it’s so easy and convenient” and “you must do it and here are all the reasons as to why”.
I HOPE SOMEONE GIVES YOU A PURPLE NURPLE*.
HA! Oh wait, you’re baby and/or pump will!
For me… Breastfeeding and pumping have been less “pleasurable” than say… Being hung upside down and poked with a cattle prod.
You see… Me. Such a fan.
More power to ya if you were (or are) in love with being a milk sprinkler… But for me, personally… NOPPEEE.
There are several reasons as to why breastfeeding and pumping are not on my OMG SO MUCH FUN list… These reasons include…
- YOU FEEL LIKE A DAIRY COW
- IT FEELS LIKE YOUR NIPPLES ARE BEING CONSTANTLY PINCHED and CUT
- YOUR NIPPLES WILL EVENTUALLY START TO LOOK LIKE THEY BELONG IN A SLASHER MOVIE
- TRYING TO CLEAN THE KITCHEN, FOLD LAUNDRY, CARE FOR YOUR CHILD, CURE CANCER, AND CLIMB MOUNT EVEREST ALL AT THE SAME TIME JUST IS NOT POSSIBLE BECAUSE YOU ARE STUCK IN ONE SPOT
- I MEAN I GUESS IF YOU CARE ABOUT TV YOU WILL BE ABLE TO WATCH ALL 12 EPISODES OF YOUR FAVORITE SHOW ON NETFLIX BECAUSE THAT IS HOW LONG IT TAKES (I don’t watch TV so IDGAF)
- “IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHTTT… I GO WALKING IN MY SLEEEPPPP”… YES, YOU WILL BE DELIRIOUSLY SINGING THIS SONG AMONG OTHERS AS YOU HAVE TO WAKE TO EITHER FEED YOUR CHILD OR LATCH YOURSELF UP TO THE CONTRAPTION THAT SUCKS TO JUICE OUT OF YOU.
- IF YOU DON’T DO IT OFTEN YOUR SWEATER PUPPIES FEEL LIKE THEY ARE GOING TO BURST
And
-
CLOGGED DUCTS and MASTITIS
What in the fork is the last one of the list, you might be wondering?
I’ve learned it’s… TITTY TORTURE.
Exactly. I had no forking clue what it was prior to going into this whole breastfeeding thing BECAUSE NO ONE TALKS ABOUT THAT ASPECT… And only found out WHAT THIS PAINFUL AF CONDITION IS (it’s when bacteria enters your nipple through cracks resulting from breastfeeding/pumping and hangs out on your clogged ducts, causing severe pain, inflammation, fever, etc)… When I was pumping CHICKEN BABIES OUT OF MY NIPPLES!
That is not an actual egg people.
Now you know you want to see mass titties…
Ha, yep… That’s how I pronounce mastitis, but seriously, you know you want to learn more about it and see “the worst case” my doctor and the lactation specialists at my hospital “have ever seen”… Yes, I share some of the gory details and photos in my latest video… SO click play on the video BELOW!
I’M TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING PEOPLE DON’T TALK ABOUT WHEN IT COMES TO BREASTFEEDING & PUMPING…
SO TELL ME…
- Ladies, I would love to hear your experience with breastfeeding and/or pumping?
- If you did, in fact, breastfeed/pump, how long did you do it for?
- Tell me about the worst pain you’ve ever experienced!
- When was the last time you had a temperature over 100 degrees?
- Would you scramble up one of my titty eggs? *BARF*