Let me paint a little picture for all of you… But bear with me… I am no Vincent Van Gogh.

Close your eyes and envision a girl… Laying on the cold, tiled bathroom floor… Gripping her knees and constantly thrashing about like a fish out of water… Sobbing and yelping like a dying Hyena.

As she rolls in an out of consciousness the only thoughts that go through her mind are:

“If this is what it feels like to give birth, well, I’m closing up ‘shop’.”

“A serial killer is on the loose in my intestines. I should write this as a screen play and send it to Spielberg.”

“I bet the Mall of America for insects is behind my wall… I don’t think I can handle a roller coaster right now.”

Now… Imagine this situation and random thoughts occurring unexpectedly every two weeks or so. I sometimes consider myself the real life Fiona (from Shrek)… because the pain that erupts from within typical transpires in the evening.

I even turn a slight shade of green!

 “By day one way, by night another.”

Before I back track and tell you about my condition… I want you all to know that I am not seeking sympathy… This is not meant to be a sob story… Because really, I have a wonderful life and an amazing support system. I am simply revealing these very personal details of my life because…

1. A lot of you have asked…

2. I feel that I could possibly help others who might also experience the same excruciating pain that I endure on a regular basis.

Okay… now it’s time to back up to a very significant occurrence in my life.

One night a few years ago… I woke up around one in the morning, faster than I would have if I heard the fire alarm sound, because I felt like I was the victim in a Freddy Kruger movie.

I knew I wasn’t in labor… Cause, um, yeah, it takes two to “tango”… And I definitely wasn’t “tangoing” at this time in my life. However, I certainly did look like I could pass for Octomom.

While I had certainly experienced stomach pain and bloating in the past… This just felt DIFFERENT.

So while pacing back and forth in my then apartment… Much like Quasimodo in the bell tower of the Notre Dame… Trying to get comfortable and figure out what to do… I called my mom. Mom knows best, right?

I told her that it seemed as though my intestines won the bid to host the Winter Olympics and professional ice skaters were doing triple axels, trying to win the gold! (Did I mention earlier that I tend to think and say very weird things when I am in such pain?)

I recall my mother laughing a lot, which is actually quite rare for her, while I was squirming around like an inchworm, after a heavy spring rainfall. I finally told her that I am going to try and “sleep it off” because I mean, this pain could be compared to being completely inebriated, no?

That remedy failed worse than each Spice Girl trying to make it solo… For I was being wheeled out of my apartment building on a stretcher around nine that morning. Everyone who lived in my apartment complex lined up as if they were attending a red carpet premiere for the next big box office hit. If someone handed me a piece of paper, I probably would have signed it.

The ambulance ride was “fun”. They had an intern on staff that day. OH JOY! He did not know how to stick a needle in my arm to give me the much needed pain suppressant. I almost yelled at him like a woman in labor might for an epidural. After jabbing my arm multiple times, he finally hit a vein…

Let the party begin.

TO BE CONTINUED… (Friday)

So Tell Me…

• When you’re in pain, what type of animal noises do you make?
• Have you ever felt as bloated as Octomom before? (Gentlemen, you can answer this question too!)
• Have you ever been taken to the hospital via ambulance?
• Ladies, who would you like to “cure” you: Dr. Douglas Ross (aka: George Clooney) or Dr. Derek Shepherd (Patrick Dempsey) or Dr. Mark Sloan (Eric Dane)?
• Gents, what female doc would you like to take your temperature: Lexie Grey (Chyler Leigh) or Thirteen (Olivia Wilde) or Izzie Stevens (Katherine Heigl)?
• Can you guess what’s happening with me at this current point in my story?

Don’t WORRY… Part Two of this FAIRY TALE coming soon! 

(*Sorry to say but this series of posts will NOT contain a video… I thought it would be far easier to simply write out the situation than to narrate it video style!*)