“Summer love”.
Yeah. Fuck that shit. I HATE SUMMER as you may have gathered from my last two blog updates!
It’s hot. It’s uncomfortable. It’s humid. It’s lazy and the AC bill sky-rockets, dipping into the salmon skin dinner funds.
I sure as hell don’t cuddle with my husband either during this season either (unless the thermostat is set at a crisp 62 degrees)… Cause that’s just sticky… And I am one cantankerous sweaty mess.
Yeah. Summer… You kind of… Sort of… Totally sucks. And… Mess with my sex life?
However… Instagram always succeeds at making summer look so “COOL”.
Ha! That’s because Instagram has peripheral neuropathy. Wait, what am I talking about?
Instagram is not a person, so it can’t feel sensations (like always feeling cool). It’s just a place where people can brag about how “wonderful” their lives are share photos of their experiences… Which includes showing all the fancy-shamancy summer pool parties and beach excursions…
However, what’s not showcased in those types of photos is:
Heat rash… Chlorine in your eyes… Chafing… Accidentally drinking/choking on water… Shark “make-out” sessions… Jellyfish dancing… Swamp ass… Balls smacking people in the face… Ketchup attacks… Car seats that sear your tail… And… Sand in STRANGE places.
And this is only a tiny list of the multitude of scenarios one might fall into during the summer.
You can’t tell me you’ve never experienced one of those “episodes”… Can you?
So… Have I officially convinced you that summer could be compared to THAT co-worker… You just sort of, totally want to smack for throwing you under the bus all the time… But instead put ex-lax (you’re welcome for that link, btw) in their powdered coffee creamer in the break room?!
WOO WOO! I feel like Tom Cruise because… Mission ACCOMPLISHED!
THANKFULLY we no longer have to deal with summer’s bitch ass… Because she’s currently packing her bags… And moving out (well, unless you live in the Southern Hemisphere, then… GOOD LUCK with her…) and fall is moving on in!
BUST OUT the oversized sweatshirts, CRANK UP the heat, GULP DOWN some piping hot Celestial Seasonings Sugar Cookie Sleigh Ride tea, DUST OUT and then BUILD a cozy fire in the fireplace, DECORATE your house with holiday knick-nacks, CLIMB a tree and PICK some apples…
Oh and of course… DEVOUR some FALL RECIPES like the compilation I raked up from the depths of my blog. It’s time to JUMP INTO THEM LIKE A BIG PILE OF LEAVES!
COFFEE CAKE (sf, df, gf, nf, v, ff)
- Celebrate the fall season by eating cake for breakfast!
MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP ICE CREAM (pa, sf, df, gf, nf, v, ff)
- If you’re still “in love” with summer… Despite my convincing argument… This recipe will help you relish that time of year, even when it’s not.
AVOCADO BROWNIES (pa, sf, df, gf, nf, v)
- Make these for yourself… And make them for your (or your kid’s) teacher, co-worker, loved one, favorite check-out person at the store as they will most likely get YOU some “BROWNIE POINTS”.
AIR-FRIED LAYER CAKE (sf, df, gf, nf, ff)
- People like to get cozy in December/January… And when I say cozy, I mean… Have THE SEX… Because it’s been documented that September is one of the most popular months to have a baby. This layered cake has you covered for those celebrations. If you want to make it even more festive… Add some cinnamon or pumpkin spice to the batter!
HALIBUT CURRY (pa, sf, df, gf, nf, ef)
- As we all know… With autumn, comes cooler temperatures… So curry UP and make this recipe and it will warm you right up!
MEZZE CAKE (pa, sf, df, gf, nf, ef)
- “Shit, it’s already 1pm? Did I eat today? Huh, what meal should I be eating right now?” During this time of year things get a bit more hectic… But hey, this “beautiful mess” of a recipe doesn’t give a rat’s ass what time it is… It wants you to eat it AT ANY HOUR YOU WISH.
BUFFALO CHICKEN WINGS & LEGS (pa, sf, df, gf, nf)
- Who actually wants to see more people than they have to? Exactly… So instead of hitting up your local Buffalo Wild Wings or Wing Stop to get in on some of that crispy skin… Make chicken wings/legs yourself. Plus, this recipe is about 80 billion (yes, 80 billion) times healthier.
UNICORN PUMPKIN PIE (sf, df, gf, nf, v)
- Eat this often if you want your MOUTH to have an active and kinky sex life. Because I kid you not… It’s THAT good… If not, better!
SWEET & SAVORY SWEET POTATO PANCAKES (pa, sf, df, gf, nf)
- The best part of waking up… Is pancakes on your plate. Yeah, that was a horrifically bad “slogan” for these delicious stackers… But that’s because I didn’t eat these brain-boosting flap-jacks before writing this post!
BISON MEAT WAFFLES (pa, sf, df, gf, nf)
- You’ve heard the saying “waffles are just pancakes with abs”… Well, THIS waffle recipe will help you achieve abs because they’re not made with processed white flour and sugar (that help in the formation of a gut)… These waffles are made with LEAN, FREE-RANGED BISON… And topped with a gooey omega-3 enriched egg yolk. Finally, the phrase “you are what you eat” makes sense!
BEEFY FRITTATA (pa, sf, df, gf, nf, ff)
- Brunch ONLY gets better in the fall people. TRUE. STORY.
SPAGHETTI SQUASH PUTTANESCA (pa, sf, df, gf, nf, ef)
- I may be a walking fashion F*CK NO… But… I know when a dish is “red hot”… And this puttanesca sauce served in a spaghetti squash boast is TRES CHIC. If it had legs, it would walk down a fashion show runway. I kid you not!
CHICKEN SHAWARMA (pa, sf, df, gf, nf, ef)
- Everyone knows I love, adore, cherish, savor, enjoy, praise… Would basically jump in front of a bus for salmon. But what if I told you I have a lover on the side? I know you want to meet him… This recipe reveals what else gets my MOUTH going!
GROUND BEEF FRIED CAULI-RICE (pa, sf, df, gf, nf)
- For those cool evenings where you just don’t want to leave the comfort of your home, but will punch a wall if you don’t get some Chinese food…
SPAGHETTI SQUASHED MEAT BALLS (pa, sf, df, gf, nf)
- You might not be able to bust balls in public… This recipe lets you SQUASH THE SHIT OUT OF THEM in the kitchen though!
PUMPKIN COOKIE DOUGH (sf, df, gf, nf, ff, v)
- This recipe is for those who don’t want to admit to being “basic” and loving all things pumpkin. It’s also for all those who are PROUD of their “basic” status… And devour all things PUMPKIN from August 28th until January 15th.
TURBUTKLE BITES (pa, sf, df, gf, nf, ef)
- Thanksgiving all rolled into one bite… I really don’t need to say more because THANKSGIVING IS THE MOST EPIC HOLIDAY OF THE ENTIRE YEAR. HANDS DOWN. DROP THE MIC. Gobble! Gobble!
(pa = paleo approved, sf = sugar free, df = dairy free, gf = gluten free, nf = nut free, ef = egg free, ff = fruit free, v = vegan)
SO TELL ME…
- Share your favorite fall recipe with me and everyone else reading this post!
- Do you ABHOR summer as much as I do?
- Out of all the recipes listed, which one looks most appetizing to you?
- What’s your favorite FALL activity and why?
- How has your sex life been these past few SWELTERING months?
- What was the crappiest experience you had at the pool/beach this summer?
