But seriously… What the fuck heck is on your holiday gift list.

There is probably nothing worse than having NOT EVEN ONE TINY LITTLE IOTA OF AN IDEA as to what to get your significant other, family member or even just your friend (yes, this is even worse than having explosive diarrhea for 10 straight days…)… As a gift.

I mean… After all, these are the people you’re suppose to know more than anyone else… Right?

Well shit. If they’re CLAIMING they don’t WANT anything (they’re joking… Everyone WANTS SOMETHING) and not giving you any ideas…

Why don’t you get them:

• Bitumen
• Ember
• Smoke Remnants

Or in other words… COAL.

While it would be pretty hysterical to see your husband or wife (or even little Timmy) open their gift only to reveal a big pile of charcoal… We both know you probably won’t be shoveling the aftermath of a wonderful fire into a box and wrapping it with jolly ol’ Santa in a thong wrapping paper.

Well, maybe the Santa wrapping paper will happen… 

But since you’re having some extreme brain farts when it comes to what to get whomever you’re struggling with… Let me be, I guess, probiotics, to your issues and lend you some relief.

Here come the ideas… As fast as Santa might if he were lathered up in coconut oil and pushed down a luge track…?

For The Freaks Of Nature Who Love Clothing & Accessories…

I don’t understand these people!

• Woodzee Sunglasses: Whomever you get these sexy shades (which come in a lot of styles/varieties) for will… Sport wood over them!

• Jord Watches: I could tell you another “wood” joke… But that would not be HARD at all… (he he he). But seriously, you have to see these stunning watches to believe me when I say they are pretty much the unicorns of the watch world!

• Earth Brands Footwear: This stylish footwear won’t have you racking up chiropractor bills because they’re designed for COMFORT, not to MURDER YOUR BACK and FEET! Give the boot to your other toe crunchers and “walk your world” in Earth Brands Footwear!

• Confused Girl In The City Leggings: From spamming my YouTube channel to becoming the closest of friends, I am in complete awe and so very proud of how far my stunning businesswoman bestie has come… Giovanna is a fellow blogger and YouTuber, who also started her own legging line inspired by healing crystals! I remember when she was first starting out… And now her booty hugging apparel comes in 15 varieties… Use the coupon code: BYE FELICIA when you check out and get 15% off! 

For Those Who Are Never Hangry Cause They’re Always Eating…

• Wink Frozen Desserts: Eat a pint in a sitting… Eat two pints in a sitting… Even three… And never feel guilty. Yep. With 100 calories in a pint, you really cannot go wrong with these allergen-free and sugar-free frozen treats. Be careful though, because I think this line of frozen deliciousness is called Wink because you will wolf down a pint… In a WINK of an eye!

• The Honest Bison Meat: Obviously you wouldn’t give this idea to the vegetarians and vegans in your life… Unless you HATE THEM… But the meat lover in your life will probably wind up kissing your feet and… Inviting you over for some drool-worthy grass-fed/finished meat waffles. So basically, you’re passive aggressively giving yourself a gift as well. Tee he he!

• Vital Choice Seafood or SizzleFish Seafood: I hope you all know at this point that I love salmon. I LOVE SALMON. IIIIIII LOVEEEEE SALLLLLMMMMOOOONNNN. That’s all. [Hint. Hint. Nudge. Nudge.]

• NuZest Protein Powder: I know all of my appetizlicious recipes using this vegan, gluten-free and sugar-free protein powder has motivated you to purchase NuZest for yourself… So friggin’ tasty, right?! Well, gift your loved one who also happens to kick ass at baking, and they can incorporate this powder into a holiday baked good to make it a little less sinful. The strawberry variety could certainly be used as frosting… As for what… That’s all up to you and your dirty mind! 

• Power Supply: If you’re not powering your supply… After reading THIS POST… Then I question your sanity.

For the Person Who Could Spend All Their Free Time At Marshall’s, Ross, T.J. Maxx…

• Customized Coasters: Don’t you want a coaster with my face on it? Eh, probably not… But I bet you’d love for Fluffy or Spot to have their face printed on a coaster. So do it. And then gift them to yourself.

• Cooking Appliances/Accessories: How many of you have seen a FANCY PANTS recipe that includes spiralizedvegetables… Or wafflizedfoods… But don’t have such gadgets in your kitchen? BOOM! And I mean, I KNOW a loose-leaf tea infuser that looks like a little dude chillin’ in a hot tub is a necessity! DUH.

For the Peeps Who Wants To Kick 2015’s Ass… 

• Eat Smart Precision Digital Kitchen Scale: This scale might not be for the friend who wants to continue to live in denial… But if they are trying to healthify their eating habits… Knowing proper portion sizes is key. Sadly, they might be sad to find out that what they think is a four-ounce serving is actually two pounds worth. WHOOPS!

• Christine Bullock’s Evolution 20 DVD set: If bouncing a quarter off your ass is your goal for the new year… As it should be… Then Christine is your go-to because shit son, you can bounce silver dollars off her tight booty! She certainly practices what she preaches. 

• : These boxes drive me bananas. NO, I do not want a new pair of underwear every month… Or do I? This could cut down on laundry… Okay, yes, yes I do. But the ones in your life might not… And that’s totally okay because there are A BILLION (yes, I counted) different options out there to quench even the most selfish of them all! 

• Business Cards ala DgDesigns: Fun Fact # 1… I have a sister. Fun Fact # 2… She is a graphic and web designer and creates kick ass product packaging. Fun Fact # 3… She can design your business cards… Or basically anything… Because she’s my sister and we are wizards. To contact her… Feel free to shoot her an email! 

For the Persons Who Audition For American Idol Every Time They’re In The Car…

• Concert Tickets: Just get them one ticket though… Because if you get two, they might assume you actually want to go with them… And having your ear drums blown out thanks to pre-teens thinking that screaming loud enough will get Justin Beiber to propose to them and live happily ever after in a mansion in Calabasas… Sounds anything BUT a gift to you! 

• Boxing, Pilates &/or Yoga Classes: Let’s be real… Yes, lets. Everyone on the face of the planet (even people in New Guinea) have FitBits… So I am not going to recommend you get someone one (they will probably end up trying to sell it on eBay)… But how many people have tried Pilates or Boxing or Coglupecarm… Okay, I made up the last class, but I am sure now that I said it, that class will be popping up at a gym near you! (PS: if you have zero people in your life who think opening a jar of pickles is a work out… You should ditch those friends. However, if that’s NOT an option, you could gift them with cooking classes. There are lots of things you can do with pickles… Once you open the jar!)

• Voice/Music Lessons: Nothing say “I love you” more than this subtle: “you’re a HORRIBLE SINGER (or your violin skills sound like your murdering a cat)… Either get better or STFU“. 

For the People Who Are Never Satisfied… 

• Groupon, Living Social and/or Amazon Gift Card: Do I really need to explain WHY these are good gifts? Fine. BECAUSE THEY SATISFY even the most obnoxiously picky gift receiver out there! A free dinner for two… Done! A series of three colonics… Done! A naughty toy he/she doesn’t want anyone to know about… Done! A trip to Africa… Well, if you’re EXTREMELY generous… Then sure, they can soon be galavanting with lions and zebras in Botswana! 

• Whole Foods Gift Card: Who the hell wouldn’t be satisfied with this? WHO? We can’t be friends. 

For that F*cking A-hole Who Just Needs To Know…

• Bag of Dicks: Worth every penny. Enough said.

 

SO TELL ME…

• Who is the hardest person in your life to shop for?
• What are you asking for, for this holiday season?
• If you were going to buy ME a present, what would you get me?
• Are you more of a giver or a receiver?
• Be real with me… Do you think you deserve coal this year?
• If I gave you $100 to Amazon.com, what would you buy?

You know what? Forget all of these ideas. Why not just give this comedic holiday snack (below) instead. While I am not in the video… You may at least recognize one familiar face… And it wouldn’t be a blog post OF MINE… Without a video! 

Giving the gift of a laugh is the best, right? Okay fine. But at least it’s FREE!