Not to stir up any uncomfortable feelings… But I would like you to close your eyes for a second and picture this…
(Close them after you read this?)
It’s your turn to host the family holiday gathering this year.
AWWWW F&#$…
How on earth are you going to feed Cousin Sally, who decided she now wants to practice veganism, who also happens to be gluten and nut-free?
You send out rather uninviting e-vites (purposely knowing your INSANELY talkative and rather nosey Grammy doesn’t have an email account), secretly hoping everyone is too busy with their own lives and immediate families, to come together for what is supposed to be “the most wonderful time of the year”.
Oh, but would you look at that?! The RSVPs start ROLLIN’ in… Like that infamous boulder scene in Indiana Jones… And you’re not Indy so… You cannot escape them!
You scan through the list of names RSVPed so far… And it looks like E-VITE may have invited EVERYONE on your contact list, even the STRANGE you found on Tinder and hooked up with back in 2013…
Wait, hold the phone?! Aunt Nancy is coming?! But she always claims to be BUSY on the nightly as she is a “night auditor” at the Four Seasons. Although, mom and uncle Charlie have had one too many conversations about how “night auditor” is code word for something else.
DING.
SAY WHAT NOW? Jeffery? Cousin Jeffery, who currently lives in Brunei because he was sick of paying US taxes, is attending? Uggghhhh… I was so thrilled when his pompous ass of a self decided to pack his bags. Hopefully, he is no longer so vocal about how damn picky he is with what he puts in his mouth…
SHIT! Andddddd mom just made a Facebook invite for the party now too. GLORIOUS. It’s great how she knows how to make a Facebook event but doesn’t know how to even turn on her stupid computer.
I guess it’s time to go to Bed, Bath & Beyond to buy actual plates… Even though the Dixie plates from Costco stowed away in the pantry are holiday-inspired. WHYYYYYYYY is everyone’s just so snooty.
FAST FORWARD to December 24th… 5 pm. Anddd your 1000 square foot home is… Packed with 35 people dressed in their holiday “best” (THE FORK are you wearing Nancy?), while you, you had to appease your mother and Aunt Sylvia by wearing the three sizes two small holiday sweater they bought you six years ago.
Unfortunately, that sweater is the least of your concerns as the appliances you desperately need to make the gluten, nut, and vegan side dish, that is basically the only thing Sally and oh wait, now also, Mary, Beth, and Tim can eat… Decided to “peace out” of the party… IE: They all broke.
Doesn’t Mercury in Retrograde END on the 22nd?
Secretly wishing you could “bounce” as well… Nancy then bombards into the kitchen, in a little too short of a holiday “dress”… And starts asking you twenty-questions about your current role at your job, however it seems more like a job interview to be a fill-in “night auditor”.
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
So it seems the fire alarm seems to serve as your timer for the turkey.
With mom yelling that you ruined the meal… Dad yelling at the TV because his beloved Steelers are being called out by a ref after they made a stupid play… Sylvia’s six kids parkouring around the living room… Tim breaking into a hot sweat because he’s so hungry… And Aunt Nancy now basically giving your STRANGE from Tinder a lap dance (yes, STRANGE decided to come)… You just want to retreat to a closet and lock yourself in.
But you don’t. You don’t because you know you have ONE RECIPE that you crazily enough decided to make prior to the “joyous festivities” sitting in your freezer that is not only vegan, gluten and nut-free, but a total crowd pleaser… You know Grammy will STFU while she shoves it in her face.
Despite the fact that it’s a dessert recipe (it’s the holiday so when and what you eat don’t really matter, right?) you whip it out and grab your dixie bowls
And would you look at that?!
Jeffery likes it. HE REALLY LIKES IT. As does the rest of the crew… So much so that, demands for seconds are being requested.
Thankfully, despite the ice cream maker
For the crowd-pleasing treat that will save your holiday party… CLICK PLAY!
MINTY HOT CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM
- 1 Can Full-Fat Coconut Milk
- 1/4 Cup Erythritol/Swerve
- 1 Scoop Chocolate Protein Powder of Choice (we used Primal Kitchen’s Collagen Fuel
)
- 3-5 TBS NuNaturals Mint Chocolate Stevia Syrup
- Sugar-Free Marshmallows
, optional (but highly recommended)
To get THE SCOOP as to how to make it… WATCH THE VIDEO HERE!!
SO TELL ME…
- How spot on was I with this holiday party story vs. what may happen during your festivities?
- Do you have any “secretive” relatives that you always question in the back of your mind?
- Hot cocoa or eggnog?
- Do you rock the UGLY SWEATER during the holiday season?
- Does this season even stress you out?
- Ice cream in the winter, yay or nay?